postgresql as default database for Django

#How TO set postgres sql as default database for Django:

1.To open postgres in terminal (Alt+T for liux):

>>sudo -u postgres psql

OR:

>>sudo su - postgres

>>psql

2. To create database in postgres :

>>CREATE DATABASE myproject;

#where myproject is name of database you want to open.

3. To create user for database:

>>CREATE USER myprojectuser WITH PASSWORD 'password';

#'myprojectuser' is username for database user.

#'password' is password for database user.

4. AS specified by Django:

>>ALTER ROLE myprojectuser SET client_encoding TO 'utf8';

5. To give permission to user om database:

>>ALTER ROLE myprojectuser SET default_transaction_isolation TO 'read committed';

6. AS specified by Django:

ALTER ROLE myprojectuser SET timezone TO 'UTC';

7. To give privileges on database to user :

GRANT ALL PRIVILEGES ON DATABASE myproject TO myprojectuser;

8. To exit postgres:

>>\q

OR
>>exit

on myproject/myproject/settings.py:

#myproject is name of django project

Find:

        DATABASES = {
            'default': {
                'ENGINE': 'django.db.backends.sqlite3',
                'NAME': os.path.join(BASE_DIR, 'db.sqlite3'),
            }
       }

And Replace it with:

        DATABASES = {
            'default': {
                'ENGINE': 'django.db.backends.postgresql',
                'NAME': 'myproject',
                'USER': 'myprojectuser',
                'PASSWORD': 'password',
                'HOST': 'localhost',
                'PORT': '',
            }
       }

Things To Do In An Elevator (joke)

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

Arriving Home Late (Joke)

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away with that one!"

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

Fun Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters (joke)

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, AOL Disks, etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

Dingo Antics (joke)

A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.

One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poop now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie canine."

Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

MORAL: SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!

Rules to Dating A Daughter -By a father (joke)

A fathers rules to dating;

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine - Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten - Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

Some Of My Favorite One-Liners (One Liners)

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

Don't take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride.

I'll start exercising as soon as i get into shape.

If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.

Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.

Earth is full. go home.

Gee, I'd like to care, but I wasn't given that gene.

Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either. (i like this one)

If you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it.

I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Visa. (ok that was kind'a dumb)

I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away

The new priest (joke)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

12) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Fun Ways To Order Pizza (Stuff)

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

Answer their questions with questions.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Stutter on the letter "p."

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

Rent a pizza.

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

Play a sitar in the background.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask to see a menu.

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

Try to talk while drinking something.

Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Be vague in your order.

When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Put them on hold.

Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

Haggle.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order term life insurance.

When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

Engage in some serious swapping.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Order a steamed pizza.

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

The Universal Grade Change Form

To: Professor _______________

From: ____________________

I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:

__Medical School

__Graduate School

__Dental School

__Fraternity/Sorority

__The Mickey Mouse Club

__Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:

__ Males

__ Blacks

__ Females

__ Jews

__ Catholics

__ Whites

__ Protestants

__ Minorities

__ Chicanos

__ Students

__ People

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

__ mono

__ broken baby finger

__ acute alcoholism

__ pregnancy

__ VD

__ fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:

__ too detailed to pick out important points.

__ not explained in any sufficient detail.

__ your class was far too boring.

__ all jokes and not enough material.

__ all of the above.

__17. This course was:

__too early, I was not awake.

__at lunchtime, I was hungry.

__too late, I was tired.

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other reason: __________________.

How to annoy your co-workers

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Lipstick at school

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Will you remarry if I die

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

Don't lie to your mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John" Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Restroom poetry (poetry)

The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms (fill in the blanks using your imagination):

Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Here I sit Broken hearted Tried to **** But only farted Here I sit What a caper I have to **** But I'm out of paper You're lucky You had your chance I tried to fart, And **** my pants!

Some people come here to take a ****, I came here to leave one. Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to **** and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls, And read the bull**** on the walls...

Here I sit, I'm at a loss trying to **** out taco sauce. When it comes, I hope and pray, I don't blow my ass away

(Written high upon the wall):

If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.

(Seen above a urinal):

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays!

(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine):

"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands"):

I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

Things to do in Elevator (Things)